For whom the wedding bells toll… part deux

YES! The worst is over. The manhunt is taking its toll on Mom the All-Knowing and Big Sister the Ever-Excited. The former is not so all-knowing now, and the latter can be seen wandering around with an expression of resigned acceptance.

It did take a while… after all, the men on shaadi.com kept increasing like the world rabbit population, and every new one was a source of intense, stalker-like interest. Even the idiots who had profiles like, “hi myself ‘name, i looking sweet beatiful gerl godfearing…”

I mean… seriously??? The only demand I have is the guy be able to speak English without sounding like a character played by Mammootty in an old malayalam movie. (Please God, please!)

What was more annoying though, was the way they treated any guy I talked to. Like, the other day, I ran across an old friend from college and we were catching up on life… and I could feel the eyes of the All-Knowing, Ever-Excited team boring into us… well, him. And sure enough, as soon as we said our goodbyes, they were there with a notepad and pen, demanding to know his life history. All I can say is, thank goodness he isn’t from Kerala.

And so in the end, my continued rejection of anyone they came up with was too much for even the All-Knowing, Ever-Excited team. Now my sister uses her laptop to work on her 3D projects rather than on shaadi.com, and my mom spends most of her time trying to get her grandchild to not pee on the bed.

They’re off my back. Thank you all, for listening, and for the prayers. I’m sure this peace won’t last, but the break feels good, no matter how short it may be.

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For whom the wedding bells toll

So I’m finally there. 23 years old. The perfect age, according to Mom the All-Knowing, to start the manhunt. And by manhunt, I mean manhunt. The search for that perfect person to complement you… your “other half”. You must understand, once Mom the All-Knowing decides to start the manhunt, and if she has Big Sister the Ever-Excited as her assistant, there’s no stopping her. You can plead, you can cry, you can throw tantrums, you can threaten to kill a puppy, but nothing will work. She won’t even notice the dead puppy as she hurries from matrimonial site to matrimonial site, filling in the profile of “The Perfect Bride.”

What do you do then? My solution was to say nothing. Let Mom the All-Knowing and her assistant have their fun. Let them go ooh and aah at all the “God-fearing” men on shaadi.com. They’ll call them all up, and soon there will be a parade of 27-year old Roman Catholic Keralite men (preferably from Trivandrum, non-smoker, non-drinker, non-fun) through the house.

See them, talk to them, and send them on their way. Nothing wrong in being polite. Then tell Mom the All-Knowing that they were either:

1) Too short

2) Too tall

3) Too fat

4) Too thin

5) Is a Bryan Adams fan

Under no circumstance must you use the following excuses for rejecting a proposal:

1) Does not drink

2) Does not enjoy clubbing

3) Drives too slow

4) Does not have any tattoos or piercings whatsoever, I mean COME ON!

5) Is not an Adam Lambert fan

Trust me, they don’t work. Even though that last one is a perfectly valid reason. And if she doesn’t buy any of your reasons, it’s perfectly OK to call up the guy, and tell him you:

1) Think “God” is Edward from Twilight. (No no, I hate the guy, this is just an example.)

2) Have lung cancer.

3) Eat only rabbit on Fridays.

That should fix things.

Now, once you’ve rejected about 5-6 guys, the All-Knowing, Ever-Excited team will start getting anxious. They will start lowering their expectations of the men. They will become slightly erratic and frenzied, and drink lots of coffee. They will try to fix you up with random strangers they see on the street.

DO NOT WORRY.

It’s just a stage. It will pass.

Or so I hope.

Please keep me in your thoughts.