Where: Trivandrum, Kerala, India

When I tell people I’m taking a trip to Kerala, they always get excited. “Wow, you must be so happy!” is the usual reaction. I don’t get it. I’m never excited about going to Kerala. In fact, I kind of dread it. Mostly for 8 reasons…

1. People always ask me about my hair. “Why do you color it??” “Why do you cut it so short??” And the worst part is, you can’t just answer with a simple “Why not?” or “Because I like it that way.” Because they just WON’T GET IT. Their minds are all tuned to one channel. And there, every girl has long, frizzy black hair. Yeah, that’s supposedly a good thing.

2. I never get to wear heels. Let’s face it, no sensible person wears heels in the land of mud and rain (unless they hate said heels and want to see them dead. Which I don’t. I wuv them.)

3. I’m 23 and not married. Enough said.

4. I cannot wear a tank top without being stared at by every-freaking-one. Not in a nice way, no.

5. Power cuts.

6. The roads. The goddamned roads. I mean, I gotta hand it to anyone who can manage to drive a vehicle there. It’s like an obstacle course… drive an inch, avoid a big hole in the road, swerve to avoid hitting that group of girls, swerve back the other way to avoid hitting the beggar sitting on the road and talking on his phone, go over a pile of rocks, look both ways and run the red light, hit a guy on a bike, apologize… OK, you get 10 points. Now imagine a couple of hours of this. It’s great for video game lovers I suppose.

7. The people who come up to you and ask, “Oh do you remember me?”, assume you do, and then proceed to talk to you about other people you’re supposed to remember. And all the while you’re trying to figure out who the hell they are, so you have no idea what to say when they suddenly ask you a question, and then you have to pretend your phone was ringing (“it’s a special tone… only I can hear it”) and edge away.

8. The “Do you never eat anything?” question that you’ll be asked at least once by every person you meet.

But despite all this, every time I get out of the plane in India and take that first deep breath, it feels like home. And I guess that’s what really matters.

For whom the wedding bells toll… part deux

YES! The worst is over. The manhunt is taking its toll on Mom the All-Knowing and Big Sister the Ever-Excited. The former is not so all-knowing now, and the latter can be seen wandering around with an expression of resigned acceptance.

It did take a while… after all, the men on shaadi.com kept increasing like the world rabbit population, and every new one was a source of intense, stalker-like interest. Even the idiots who had profiles like, “hi myself ‘name, i looking sweet beatiful gerl godfearing…”

I mean… seriously??? The only demand I have is the guy be able to speak English without sounding like a character played by Mammootty in an old malayalam movie. (Please God, please!)

What was more annoying though, was the way they treated any guy I talked to. Like, the other day, I ran across an old friend from college and we were catching up on life… and I could feel the eyes of the All-Knowing, Ever-Excited team boring into us… well, him. And sure enough, as soon as we said our goodbyes, they were there with a notepad and pen, demanding to know his life history. All I can say is, thank goodness he isn’t from Kerala.

And so in the end, my continued rejection of anyone they came up with was too much for even the All-Knowing, Ever-Excited team. Now my sister uses her laptop to work on her 3D projects rather than on shaadi.com, and my mom spends most of her time trying to get her grandchild to not pee on the bed.

They’re off my back. Thank you all, for listening, and for the prayers. I’m sure this peace won’t last, but the break feels good, no matter how short it may be.

For whom the wedding bells toll

So I’m finally there. 23 years old. The perfect age, according to Mom the All-Knowing, to start the manhunt. And by manhunt, I mean manhunt. The search for that perfect person to complement you… your “other half”. You must understand, once Mom the All-Knowing decides to start the manhunt, and if she has Big Sister the Ever-Excited as her assistant, there’s no stopping her. You can plead, you can cry, you can throw tantrums, you can threaten to kill a puppy, but nothing will work. She won’t even notice the dead puppy as she hurries from matrimonial site to matrimonial site, filling in the profile of “The Perfect Bride.”

What do you do then? My solution was to say nothing. Let Mom the All-Knowing and her assistant have their fun. Let them go ooh and aah at all the “God-fearing” men on shaadi.com. They’ll call them all up, and soon there will be a parade of 27-year old Roman Catholic Keralite men (preferably from Trivandrum, non-smoker, non-drinker, non-fun) through the house.

See them, talk to them, and send them on their way. Nothing wrong in being polite. Then tell Mom the All-Knowing that they were either:

1) Too short

2) Too tall

3) Too fat

4) Too thin

5) Is a Bryan Adams fan

Under no circumstance must you use the following excuses for rejecting a proposal:

1) Does not drink

2) Does not enjoy clubbing

3) Drives too slow

4) Does not have any tattoos or piercings whatsoever, I mean COME ON!

5) Is not an Adam Lambert fan

Trust me, they don’t work. Even though that last one is a perfectly valid reason. And if she doesn’t buy any of your reasons, it’s perfectly OK to call up the guy, and tell him you:

1) Think “God” is Edward from Twilight. (No no, I hate the guy, this is just an example.)

2) Have lung cancer.

3) Eat only rabbit on Fridays.

That should fix things.

Now, once you’ve rejected about 5-6 guys, the All-Knowing, Ever-Excited team will start getting anxious. They will start lowering their expectations of the men. They will become slightly erratic and frenzied, and drink lots of coffee. They will try to fix you up with random strangers they see on the street.

DO NOT WORRY.

It’s just a stage. It will pass.

Or so I hope.

Please keep me in your thoughts.

The Real Deal

Let’s do this step by step, so anyone who’s not familiar with the issue (read: anyone who’s been away from Planet Earth on vacation) can keep up.

Adam Lambert performed his single “For Your Entertainment” at the AMAs. The performance included him kissing his male keyboardist, simulating fellatio with one of his male dancers, and some other racy stuff with women that no one really seems to care about. No one minds that he grabbed a woman’s crotch, but they’re all going, “Oh My GOD he kissed a guy on TV!”

Outrage. Homophobes tried to be homophobic in a more subtle way and cried, “What about the children who were watching the AMAs??” <– Lame excuse number 1.

Real reason: They’re homophobic. If kids are up watching TV at 11 PM, they’ve definitely seen worse.

And so the next day, ABC cancelled Adam’s Good Morning America performance. Their reason: They were concerned about showing a similar performance so early in the morning. <– Lame excuse number 2.

Real reason: ABC & Disney are homophobic.

As soon as ABC cancelled Adam, CBS grabbed him for The Early Show. They did an interview with him where they pretended to understand his point of view about the performance, then showed the infamous picture of Madonna kissing Britney. Then they showed Adam kissing Tommy for comparison. Only this time, they blurred the image. Their reason: People are used to the Madonna/Britney kiss, but they need time to get used to the Adam/Tommy kiss. <– Lame excuse number 3.

Real reason: CBS is scared of their homophobic viewers. In other words, CBS does not have balls.

Adam, of course, had plenty of chances to share his own thoughts about his performance, and he did: “All hail freedom of expression and artistic integrity.” <– Two thumbs up.

After cancelling Adam, ABC booked Chris Brown, convicted woman-beater, to appear on GMA. People asked why they supported domestic violence over homosexuality. They said Chris Brown was booked before Adam and they couldn’t cancel. <– Winner of Lamest Excuse Award. Now they’ve alienated not only homosexuals, but also feminists and intelligent human beings. How long before they crack and find a magical way of cancelling Brown?

Adam has not apologized for his sexually charged performance, and he doesn’t intend to. He said it like it is – He’s an entertainer, not a babysitter. Females have been doing racy stuff on TV since Eve, but the minute a man steps out of the box, the world goes mad. There IS a double standard. Man on woman is considered ‘normal’, girl on girl is considered ‘sexy’, but man on man is considered ‘disgusting’. I don’t get the logic either.

Adam Lambert + a nude woman = Drama with a capital D!

So, Adam Lambert posed with a nude model.

Wow great, go Adam!

A nude female model.

OUTRAGE! How dare he??? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to be gay???

That was the reaction from many fans after the scans of Adam’s latest photoshoot for Details magazine made it to the internet. Now, don’t get me wrong. The majority absolutely loved it, had some extra adamgasms to add to their daily count, and twatted Adam about how fucking sexy he was.

But let’s talk about that little minority group that did not like the pictures. Ah, them. There’re several reasons for their… uneasiness. Let’s analyze, shall we?

Some are, are you ready for this? – jealous. They’re… jealous. Alright, Adam’s got the point. He’s not allowed near naked women. Right. Gotcha. Moving on.

Some, and this is mainly the younger fans, are offended because of the nudity. Well, I’m sorry, but this is Adam Lambert we’re talking about. He’s a very sexual creature, and admit it, that is partly why you love the man. I realize they’ve got a point. They shouldn’t have these pictures thrown in their faces without warning. But folks, let’s get this clear. Adam Lambert always comes with a warning. Always. Because he is Adam Lambert.

And my personal favorite – He’s gay, he should not be posing with nude penis-less people. He’s not being true to himself. It’s not who he is. Why’s he doing this? I’m so confused!

Get a grip, people! Read the following points very carefully.

1. Details is a men’s magazine. The heteros out there do not want to see a naked man with a clothed man. Ask any of them. They prefer breasts to penises.

2. Read the damn article. It’s about women fantasizing about gay men i.e. Adam. The pictures denote those fantasies. Your fantasies, not his. Is the light beginning to dawn?

3. It’s called acting. He does one photoshoot with a nude woman and suddenly he’s being un-gay? Hell. Are Heath Ledger (RIP dude, I love you) and Jake Gyllenhaal gay because they acted in Brokeback Mountain?

4. It’s controversial, it got people talking, it got a whole drama going on, and that is exactly what Adam wanted. So yes, he is being true to himself. No, he hasn’t changed. Yes, he is gay. No, he did not sleep with her. Yes, he probably enjoyed it. No, I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a fight with Drake. Yes, the cow did jump over the moon.

1+2+3+4 = It was one fucking photoshoot. Get over it!

Now that you’ve all (hopefully) understood the idea behind the photoshoot, get yourself a glass of wine, sit back, relax, and enjoy those pictures!

I know there will be disagreement over what I’ve written, and really, I don’t give a shit. But please, if you’ve got a brilliantly nasty reply gelling in your head that you just have to tell the world, feel free to post it. I don’t promise to read it, but I’m sure it will give you some satisfaction.