The Real Deal

Let’s do this step by step, so anyone who’s not familiar with the issue (read: anyone who’s been away from Planet Earth on vacation) can keep up.

Adam Lambert performed his single “For Your Entertainment” at the AMAs. The performance included him kissing his male keyboardist, simulating fellatio with one of his male dancers, and some other racy stuff with women that no one really seems to care about. No one minds that he grabbed a woman’s crotch, but they’re all going, “Oh My GOD he kissed a guy on TV!”

Outrage. Homophobes tried to be homophobic in a more subtle way and cried, “What about the children who were watching the AMAs??” <– Lame excuse number 1.

Real reason: They’re homophobic. If kids are up watching TV at 11 PM, they’ve definitely seen worse.

And so the next day, ABC cancelled Adam’s Good Morning America performance. Their reason: They were concerned about showing a similar performance so early in the morning. <– Lame excuse number 2.

Real reason: ABC & Disney are homophobic.

As soon as ABC cancelled Adam, CBS grabbed him for The Early Show. They did an interview with him where they pretended to understand his point of view about the performance, then showed the infamous picture of Madonna kissing Britney. Then they showed Adam kissing Tommy for comparison. Only this time, they blurred the image. Their reason: People are used to the Madonna/Britney kiss, but they need time to get used to the Adam/Tommy kiss. <– Lame excuse number 3.

Real reason: CBS is scared of their homophobic viewers. In other words, CBS does not have balls.

Adam, of course, had plenty of chances to share his own thoughts about his performance, and he did: “All hail freedom of expression and artistic integrity.” <– Two thumbs up.

After cancelling Adam, ABC booked Chris Brown, convicted woman-beater, to appear on GMA. People asked why they supported domestic violence over homosexuality. They said Chris Brown was booked before Adam and they couldn’t cancel. <– Winner of Lamest Excuse Award. Now they’ve alienated not only homosexuals, but also feminists and intelligent human beings. How long before they crack and find a magical way of cancelling Brown?

Adam has not apologized for his sexually charged performance, and he doesn’t intend to. He said it like it is – He’s an entertainer, not a babysitter. Females have been doing racy stuff on TV since Eve, but the minute a man steps out of the box, the world goes mad. There IS a double standard. Man on woman is considered ‘normal’, girl on girl is considered ‘sexy’, but man on man is considered ‘disgusting’. I don’t get the logic either.

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Adam Lambert + a nude woman = Drama with a capital D!

So, Adam Lambert posed with a nude model.

Wow great, go Adam!

A nude female model.

OUTRAGE! How dare he??? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to be gay???

That was the reaction from many fans after the scans of Adam’s latest photoshoot for Details magazine made it to the internet. Now, don’t get me wrong. The majority absolutely loved it, had some extra adamgasms to add to their daily count, and twatted Adam about how fucking sexy he was.

But let’s talk about that little minority group that did not like the pictures. Ah, them. There’re several reasons for their… uneasiness. Let’s analyze, shall we?

Some are, are you ready for this? – jealous. They’re… jealous. Alright, Adam’s got the point. He’s not allowed near naked women. Right. Gotcha. Moving on.

Some, and this is mainly the younger fans, are offended because of the nudity. Well, I’m sorry, but this is Adam Lambert we’re talking about. He’s a very sexual creature, and admit it, that is partly why you love the man. I realize they’ve got a point. They shouldn’t have these pictures thrown in their faces without warning. But folks, let’s get this clear. Adam Lambert always comes with a warning. Always. Because he is Adam Lambert.

And my personal favorite – He’s gay, he should not be posing with nude penis-less people. He’s not being true to himself. It’s not who he is. Why’s he doing this? I’m so confused!

Get a grip, people! Read the following points very carefully.

1. Details is a men’s magazine. The heteros out there do not want to see a naked man with a clothed man. Ask any of them. They prefer breasts to penises.

2. Read the damn article. It’s about women fantasizing about gay men i.e. Adam. The pictures denote those fantasies. Your fantasies, not his. Is the light beginning to dawn?

3. It’s called acting. He does one photoshoot with a nude woman and suddenly he’s being un-gay? Hell. Are Heath Ledger (RIP dude, I love you) and Jake Gyllenhaal gay because they acted in Brokeback Mountain?

4. It’s controversial, it got people talking, it got a whole drama going on, and that is exactly what Adam wanted. So yes, he is being true to himself. No, he hasn’t changed. Yes, he is gay. No, he did not sleep with her. Yes, he probably enjoyed it. No, I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a fight with Drake. Yes, the cow did jump over the moon.

1+2+3+4 = It was one fucking photoshoot. Get over it!

Now that you’ve all (hopefully) understood the idea behind the photoshoot, get yourself a glass of wine, sit back, relax, and enjoy those pictures!

I know there will be disagreement over what I’ve written, and really, I don’t give a shit. But please, if you’ve got a brilliantly nasty reply gelling in your head that you just have to tell the world, feel free to post it. I don’t promise to read it, but I’m sure it will give you some satisfaction.